What Is Love Addiction? A Betrayed Partner’s Honest Perspective

When I first heard the term love addict, I remember thinking: What does that even mean? Is this man doomed to fall in love with any woman who smiles at him for the rest of his life?

The answer, I now know, is no. That’s not what love addiction means at all.

For my husband, it started with an intimacy disorder. There was a missing connection in childhood—something essential that never fully formed. He never truly learned what love was—not real, lasting, secure love. What he did know was the high. That rush of dopamine and oxytocin when you connect with someone new, the intoxicating sense of being seen and wanted. But that’s not real life. That’s not real love. That’s a drug.

The Brain on “Love”

Modern neuroscience helps us understand this better. The early stages of romantic connection—what we often call “falling in love”—trigger powerful chemical reactions in the brain. Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin all surge, lighting up the brain’s reward center just like substances do in a drug addict’s brain (Fisher, 2004). For someone with low emotional regulation or a history of trauma or neglect, that flood of chemicals can become their solution—their escape from stress, self-doubt, or pain.

That’s what was happening to Andrew. He didn’t love those women. He was running. Escaping. He believed, This time will be different. She’ll make it better. But he couldn’t see his own role in the pattern.

He didn’t love himself. So he kept chasing the illusion of love in all the wrong places.

What “Love Addiction” Really Is

“Love addiction” is not an official clinical diagnosis in the DSM-5, but many therapists and researchers use it to describe a compulsive pattern of seeking romantic or sexual validation to avoid emotional pain. According to Pia Mellody—one of the earliest voices to define and treat love addiction—it often stems from childhood trauma, neglect, or enmeshment that leads to a distorted view of self-worth and connection.

Love addicts tend to confuse intensity with intimacy. They crave that intense bonding experience, even when it’s inappropriate, destructive, or short-lived. The fantasy of being rescued or completed by someone else becomes a form of emotional survival (Mellody, Facing Love Addiction, 2003). Sound familiar?

Emotional Immaturity and Intimacy Disorders

These men often aren’t sociopaths or evil people. They're emotionally immature. Their development got interrupted. Many grew up without healthy models of emotional regulation, safe attachment, or accountability.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, a leading researcher on sexual addiction and intimacy disorders, explains that these individuals are often caught in an avoidant or anxious attachment style. They fear true closeness, yet long for connection. Porn, affairs, and fantasy become ways to manage overwhelming feelings while avoiding the vulnerability that real intimacy demands (Facing the Shadow, Carnes, 2010).

So when Andrew told me he “loved” someone else, it wasn’t love. It was a symptom of his disorder. A flash of fantasy mistaken for something sacred.

Real Love Looks Different

In recovery, Andrew began to do the work. He learned to regulate his emotions, face his pain, name his needs, and grieve his childhood wounds. He learned to sit with discomfort instead of running from it.

And in that process, he finally began to understand love—real love. Not the version from movies or affairs. But the kind that says: I see your imperfections, your wounds, your past—and I choose to stay. I choose to grow.

It wasn’t with the woman who made him feel like a hero for a moment. It was with the one who stayed through the fire—me.

For the Partner Wondering: “Did He Love Her?”

To the woman wondering if he loved her—the affair partner—this is what I wrote in an email to someone just like you:

Before recovery, these men are emotionally immature and often carry unresolved attachment wounds from childhood. They didn’t experience the safety or acceptance needed to form real intimacy, so in adulthood, lust gets confused with love. Porn, fantasy, and even the affair partner become escapes—not from you, but from life itself.

In addiction, Andrew believed he loved her. But in recovery, he can finally see it clearly: it was lust, avoidance, and fantasy. Now he understands what real, grounded love looks like—and how to give and receive it.

This isn’t to justify what they did. It’s to help you understand it. That understanding gave me the strength to grieve, to process, and eventually—to heal.

If you want to learn more, I highly recommend this video we shared from a breakfast event in December. The therapists explain intimacy disorders and how addiction impacts the brain. We also share our story:

🔗 Watch the video

Why Time Apart Might Be the Most Loving Choice

If your partner is caught in this cycle—confusing fantasy with love, avoiding emotion, and repeating old patterns—it can feel terrifying to let him go. What if he doesn’t come back? What if he chooses her again?

I get it. Letting a man like this out of your sight is scary. But here’s the truth: if he doesn’t have space to face his own heart honestly, he may never truly choose you. And love that isn’t freely chosen—without guilt, fear, or control—isn’t love at all.

That’s why we created Room to Heal.

It’s not just a place to “get away.” It’s a place where men are held accountable, challenged to grow up emotionally, and given the time and tools to finally confront the truth of who they are and what they want.

In this kind of structured, intentional time apart, he’ll be surrounded by other men doing the work. No distractions. No hiding. No numbing out. Just space, structure, and truth.

He needs time—not to be persuaded, pressured, or watched—but to decide. To examine his beliefs, his wounds, his values. To stop blaming and start growing.

Because love requires choice—not control.

And you deserve his best—not just what’s left after the fantasy fades.

If you're ready to explore what this could look like in your relationship, we’re here.👉 Learn more about Room to Heal

References:

• Fisher, H. E. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Henry Holt & Co.

• Carnes, P. (2010). Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery. Gentle Path Press.

• Mellody, P. (2003). Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love. HarperOne.

• Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. TarcherPerigee.