"Celebrating" the holidays after betrayal is extremely difficult. Pam Blizzard, boundaries expert and Room to Heal group facilitator, came to Charlotte to help partners design a plan that addresses their emotional needs this season. Please find the video below along with a recap of keypoints from the presentation.
Why the Holiday Season is Hard for Betrayed Partners:
OPE: Other Peoples Expectations
Pressure to be in a holiday spirit: Merry, Happy, Joyful, Light, to be “okay” when we’re just not
Anticipating the exhaustion to decorate, shop, wrap, write cards, cook, clean, host, or travel
Worry over inability to keep up appearances that everything is “fine”
Pressure to keep secrets, or tell what’s going on in your relationship
Anxiety over “making” holidays for kids, making it memorable
Dreading conversations with family members who don’t understand
Wondering if my partner will be able to support me and my challenges
Instead, let's:
Acknowledge this is trauma and it has major impact to your health
Prioritize your mental health over other relationships
Honor your top personal core values
Identify what’s important to YOU at the holidays. Surround yourself with people, normalcy, tradition, structure, the way we’ve always done it, distractions of cards, cooking, decorating OR embrace solitude, slowing down, taking a break from traditions and creating new ones focus on me and what’s really happening with me, rest from tasks
Give yourself permission to put your mental and physical health first
Encourage yourself to make more space healing and recovery work
Tune into our bodies to sense and trust what feels right or wrong for you
Do Something Different - Put Your Needs First
Say “Yes” to healing and recovery space and work
Give ourselves safety with boundaries
Give ourselves stability with learning emotional regulation skills
Say, “No” to what doesn’t put our mental health first
Let others do things for themselves, even if it’s not “the way you’d like it done”
Ask for help, even if it’s not “the way you’d like it done”
Inform others you’re going to do things differently this year
Take advantage of paid services like house cleaning and decorating, Instacart or Walmart Plus pickup or shipping, Amazon for gifts, precooked meals
Protect our needs and values with boundaries
How to Communicate Your Boundaries | Nonviolent Communication Method
This method is based on needs and your personal core values.
Simple request formula:
Because I value _____ _____
Would you consider _____ _____
Example: Because I value my privacy/peace/serenity. Would you consider not traveling this year to your mothers.
Simple boundaries formula:
When _____ observation, experience__
I feel _____ Emotions words__
If you _____ hurtful/damaging behavior __
I will_____ how I will care for myself and insulate from you__
Example: When you don’t agree to help with the gift shopping for the children. I feel overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, resentful. If you don’t agree to help with the gift shopping for the children. I will not confer with you on what gifts to get them, and do the shopping entirely on my own, according to what I think is best for them and our budget.
Expect Pushback and Be Ready with Your Response
• Acknowledge their discomfort with empathy, “I see how hard this is for you.” “That has to be hard.” “I hear you saying how ____ this is for you
• Restate the boundary
• Acknowledge the discomfort again
• If pressed, you can say, “I’m not ready to talk about it right now.”
• Change the subject if you have to afterwards
• Accept that other people get to be “wrong” and it’s not your job to change that
5 Steps Success Path to Effective Boundaries After Betrayal
• Bring all you focus and attention back to yourself, not your partner
• Learn the who, what, when, where and why of boundaries
• Plan to enforce before you need to, what you’ll do, where you’ll turn
• Communicate with love and empathy
• Get support from a group of other women going through the same thing